Sombreros, Moustaches and Snicker Bars
by TheGoddessOfDuckTape
Summary: Voldemort and Roland ter Borcht are having their Annual Conference of Evil Deeds (ACED for short) and are plotting to take over the world. Join the two of them for a thirty minute meeting about Santa Claus, sombreros, Snicker bars, spinning chairs, moustaches and Minions.


**This was a Geography project where we had to do a presentation on one of the world's many ecosystems (my one was tundra). I co-wrote this with autumnflame so a lot of credit goes to her as well (Yes, autumnflame as in the one who got burnt by a stapler…).**

**Have fun reading and please also read my other fanfic: The Adventures of a Lovesick Idiot.**

_**Sombreros, Moustaches and Snicker Bars**_

"I see that you have arrived, Roland. I have not seen you since we bombed Boston," Voldemort said in an Italian accent.

Roland ter Borcht sat in his comfortable chair. It was one of those world domination chairs that could lean back and spin. He placed his hands on the squishy armrests and pushed his feet against the floor. The near-frictionless alloy wheels slid smoothly across the marble floors.  
It was very strange hearing his best friend talking with such an Italian accent but it really didn't explain the sombrero.  
"Vhy yes… It has been a vhile, Tom. So vhat kind of vorld domination plan are ve putting into action dis time? And vhy do you have a sombrero?"

"I have just been to Italy and I brought back this sombrero as a souvenir," he explained.

"But sombreros are Mexican… Aren't they?" Roland asked confused. After many years, he had learned not to doubt his skills.

"That is beside the point!" Voldemort shrilled. "Anyway, we will steal the world's future fuel supply to start World War 3 and send the countries into turmoil, enslaving the puny Muggle population! Eh-he-he! Eh-he-he!" he brooded darkly.

"What?! You're starting World War III?! Is there still time for hot chocolate?" Minion XOB8URF3-02 Junior asked shocked.

Roland raised a very sceptical eyebrow.  
"Er… Ya…" he said slowly.

"YAY!" the Minion yelled as he ran out of the room as fast as his tiny little legs could carry him.

Roland darted his eyes around the room. The only thing that he was offered to drink was a bit of coffee. Coffee vs Hot Chocolate with Mini-Marshmallows? No contest!  
"Get me some too! And fetch some mini-marshmallows too!" Roland screamed desperately.

"Er, ya… get me some too!" Voldemort rasped.

"And also, vhy does your voice sound so nasally? It's so veird…" he trailed off. It was usual to hear such a screechy voice come from his co-partner.

"Stupid cosmetic artists! They couldn't even get a nose job right. They will pay for this," he said dramatically while holding up a very determined fist.

"Ah… I feel you bro," ter Borcht said while running is fingers through his non-existent hair. His scalp was smooth like a seal's. There weren't even any bristles!  
"I see. I tried getting hair extensions before. Obviously, dey failed. Vay too tight."  
Humans were just so pathetic.

"What did you do to them?" Voldemort asked eagerly. He really wanted some inspiration concerning what to do about the Muggles.

"Er… how do I say dis nicely? I just made a few… small adjustments to deir DNA structure," Roland said haughtily. He was extremely proud of managing to adjust their DNA structures despite the fact that they were so far into their life. It was difficult working around all the blood vessels, nerves and muscles.

"Hmm...maybe I should pay those incompetent Muggles a late night visit…" he said evil-genius-ly.  
At least now he knew what to do with those Muggles.

Roland made an extremely loud and unnecessary cough.  
"Let's get back to our vorld domination now, shall ve? Vhat do ve have to do?"  
He wanted to quickly get it over with so he could get back to mutating organic life-forms.

"Yes, of course," he cleared his throat and pulled out his phoenix core wand. "Accio evil world domination plan!"  
Despite what J. K. Rowling told everyone, magic didn't actually exist, neither did wizards. Voldemort just happened to be some random guy who suddenly got a bad tan, became bald and suddenly got his nose squashed.

Minion K8DB9HH0-34 Junior walked into the room and threw Voldemort the world domination plan.  
"Do I get a pay rise for this?" Minion asked in an absolutely adorable voice.

Voldemort sighed and put his hand across his forehead.  
"You're a minion, you don't get paid," he said coldly and bluntly.  
He was tired of all the Minions asking for sick days, pay rises and maternal leaves. It was ridiculous! Minions were all males anyway! (**Don't ask me how they reproduce!)**

Minion started sniffling and his eyes started welling up. He threw an adorable tantrum and ran back out the door where he came from.

"Minions dese days!" Roland said shaking his head.  
Minions were simply created to serve, not to talk back. It was a shame that the first few generations had turned out so badly.

Voldemort nodded and continued on. "Do you know of the tundra regions near the Arctic?"

"Vhy yes, but of vhat use vould be a dead vasteland?" Roland asked confused. He didn't really see where the conversation was heading.

"No, although the tundra is one of the Earth's coldest and harshest biomes, it is not a wasteland. Tundra regions exist in the northern hemisphere and covers one fifth of the Earth's land surface. They are treeless regions found in the Arctic and on the top of mountains, where the climate is chilly and rainfall averages are low," Voldemort explained scientifically.

"Ah… Perfect for hording chocolate ice-cream and Snicker bars. Tell me more…" he was interested in anything to do with chocolate ice cream and Snicker bars.

"Mais oui! (That's French for 'Why yes!') Additionally, the tundra region along with the Artic and Siberia make up most of the world's future fuel supply. There are polar tundra which can be found in the northern parts of Canada, Greenland, Alaska and America and alpine tundra which are located near or on top of mountains," he continued.

"But vhat of de animals? Vill dey disrupt our plans?" He hoped that nothing would get between him and world domination. Roland couldn't afford to have his world domination plans foiled again (Especially by the likes of Maximum Ride). His almost fool-proof world domination was foiled by flying children! And their dog!

"Meh! I can guarantee that the animals will not destroy anything. After all, the only animals that inhabit the tundra are ones such as the polar bear, caribou, arctic fox, arctic hare, snowy owl, musk ox, rock ptarmigan and some other insignificant woodland creatures," he listed continuously.

"Ok, but vhat is de plan exactly?" he said as he spun around on the chair. He was starting to get dizzy but he honestly couldn't care less.

"Ya, ya… I was about to get onto that. We will suck the nutrients out of the permafrost by melting it and then we will transfer it into oil. Then, the puny Muggles will have to buy their oil from us and we'll be filthy rich! Eh-he-he. Eh-he-he," he chuckled diabolically.

"Vhy does tundra exist anyvay? It is just a dead vasteland!" Roland complained. From his perspective, tundra was just standing there to look pretty and cover up twenty percent of the Earth's ugliness.

"Yes, I know but those incompetent Muggles find interest in walking and carrying bags up giant mountains," Voldemort said while shrugging. It wasn't his fault that Muggles were so weird and unpredictable. It was strange that while adults found interest in carrying very heavy backpacks up mountains, children hated carrying their very heavy backpacks to school every day.

"Dey, are so stupid. My genetic experiments are so much more intelligent," he said. Genetic experiments could be mutated and designed. Their intellectual abilities were engineered and given to them before they were even born. No, not born, more like grafted together.

"I know right! And they also stop to sniff flowers and pat fluffy animals. Additionally, they have activities such as dog sledding!"

"Ya. It's like dey vant to be Santa Claus but dey don't have flying reindeer so dey use huskies," ter Borcht said. Although he didn't really like it when Maximum Ride talked back, he had nothing against joking around lightly with his buddies.

"Anyway, there are many threats to the tundra. These include weakening of the ozone layer, pollution, construction damage, invasive species and permafrost melting," Voldemort concluded.

"Ha-ha. All of those are cause by de stupid humans. Dey are like, so stupid," Roland started laughing. "The humans were going to pay because they never appreciated the things that they were given.

"It's half-an-hour already! Our meeting's over! BRING OUT THE REFRESHMENTS!" Voldemort said as he clapped his hands.

"Ooh! Ice cream and Snicker bars time!"

"No! Crystallised pineapple time!"

"Look…" Roland negotiated. "Why don't we simply get both?"

"Do you honestly believe that with our measly budget, we can afford two different kinds of refreshments in one meeting?!" Voldemort said, raising his voice.

Roland took a deep breath in and stormed out of the room.  
"Vait a second, isn't dis your mum's room? Doesn't your room have posters of dat teenage boy you were obsessing over? Dat vun vis de lightning scar? Peter Johnson? No… dat vas de lightning thief. I got it! HARRY POTTER!" he yelled triumphantly.

Voldemort burst into tears and stormed to the door until he noticed a cupboard and opened it. Sure it wasn't his favourite but it was something at least. He pulled out a Snickers bar.  
"Snicker bars! Eh-he-he! Eh-he-he!"

"Can I have some?" Roland asked hopefully.

He clutched the chocolate bar to his chest and screamed,  
"NO!"

Roland put on a face of heartbreak.

"Eh-he-he! Eh-he-he!"

**Hope you liked it! I'm not sure if I'll write a sequel though.**

**Please also read my other fanfic, The Adventures of a Lovesick Idiot.**


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